Archives for the month of: August, 2013

Everyone says “Just eat” or “Eat more”. They say it like it is an easy thing, treat it as if it as simple as taking a stroll into a peaceful park. I suppose for a normal person, to eat more is quite normal or even a joy for them, however for someone with an eating disorder, to ‘eat more’ is like ‘ dive yourself into a world of pain’. It is incredibly difficult…. I wish I could explain to others about this, but it is hard. 

I want to put on weight; to get over my fear foods; and change my ways, but at the same time a part of me is fighting against it and pulling me back into that dark place…..

To say to someone with anorexia to ‘just eat’ is a really insensitive comment, and just remember, it is really difficult for them to do so. 

Advertisements

Sorry I have not posted in a while. It is just that so many things have been happening lately and so it has proven to be a real difficulty to make time to write…..There have been an accumulation of assessments and projects due at school, and then there’s my eating disorder. Recently I have been caught many times red-handed in my eating disorder behaviour, such as my mother finding out that I purged the night before, and that I’ve been disposing food behind her back. Also my stupid teacher who knows about my eating issue went and sent an email to my mother today about the time that I escaped from her class to the library because the class was eating crap that I did not want to get involved in….Apparently my mother confided all of this information to him and so he talked to me after school today about it all. Initially I was so angry at my teacher about getting involved in my business like that, but then I realized that feelings of shame and embarrassment took over. For my brother to learn all that about me is so incredibly humiliating and painful. I feel like I can no longer face my family. I am so, so embarrassed. I am so hurt, and so ashamed to be in this family! 

Never have i wanted to disappear on the face of this earth. I want to just die. I am no good to this family at all. All I have and am bringing to my parents and brothers is issues, and I am just a piece of rubbish that wastes their money, time and effort. Honestly I am no good to them at all!!!! They have grown sick of me, I know it. Even they show very little sympathy for me. 

ImageNot too long ago, I had a late night snack that really challenged me. I took four pieces of wholegrain Vita-Weat crackers, smeared with generously with avocado, topped with slices of Double Brie cheese and dollops of natural raspberry jam. It was heavenly. Along the process of constructing it, I snacked on copious amounts of almond and slivers of green avocado. I really want to put on weight and so in order to do that I must consume more calories!! However it is a struggle because to be honest, I do not want to eat more nor do I want to change my eating, but I must. 

I actually feel really disgusting right now…As in literally. My stomach seems to be unable to digest this surprisingly new amount of fat and possibly carbohydrates…I feel a bit sick….Eugh…And there’s tomorrow. Sigh. Sometimes, I just want it all to end.

 

Life can prove to be incredibly challenging. Oftentimes, unexpected things happen and when they do, our lives change forever. For instance, I have never expected to catch an eating disorder. I was raised by a family who loved food and celebrated food, and everything about them was normal. Who would have expected that I, the biggest carnivore and milkshake devoted member in the family, to be a victim of anorexia? Right now, I wish for my life and for myself to be normal. I am sick of making the people around me suffer as a result of my eating disorder. I want to be free…

The issue is, freedom is so incredibly difficult. Recovery is such a climb. Today, I baked a batch of healthy cookies that I was planning to consume to increase my weight. To make it as calorie rich as possibly, I added in as many calorie dense but nutritious ingredients such as coconut milk, shredded coconut, peanut butter, and almonds. They tasted scrumptious, but a part of me irked at the sight of myself eating something to carbohydrate filled and calorie dense…..

Just imagine…Being free…..Living life without fear, anxiety, restrictions, or grief…To be healthy, fit and strong….To not have to return to hospital ever again…..It’s almost like a dream…

I have a list of foods that I admittedly am afraid of eating. 

My excuse (rather pathetic I must say..) for not eating them during meal times is either that “I don’t like it” or “It is unhealthy”. After giving some thought, the real reason has emerged from my senses: I am fearful that they might contribute to weight gain. The foods that I fear are rather calorie-dense….and well, they are not exactly nutritious either.

However, I don’t want to keep living with the fear of eating certain foods. I want to have a relaxed approach towards my meals and be able to eat whatever, whenever, with whoever. Right now, all I eat is healthy stuff and pretty much the same stuff day in, day out. I want to break free. I want to overcome my fear foods……If anyone could, please give me advice as to how I can overcome my fear foods!!!!

I am thinking of introducing a fear food at least once every week, starting from the most basic item such as bread or noodles!Image

Today I had a health check-up with my Doctor. Unfortunately, I have lost approximately three kilograms and some muscle, my body temperature was low and so was my heart rate. I was not happy of course. I don’t want things to escalate, but the issue is, I don’t really want to change my diet or anything. A part of me wants to keep the same body and to just keep doing what I’m doing, but I know that if I don’t evoke change then I will have to keep coming back to the hospital and never be free from the Eating Disorders program. Also, by returning back to the hospital I am also making my parents suffer. The time and effort they exert to drive me to the hospital is impacting them. It is also incredibly unfair. 

So I challenged myself. 

For dinner, I ate a slice of bread and about half an avocado, along with a good amount of chicken and vegetables. Every bite of the bread was agonizing, but I knew I had to do it in order to recover. Man this is so frustrating and difficult….I just want to crawl in a hole and wither away……

According to Nutritional expert Ellyn Satter,

Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

 

This is probably the best definition to the term ‘Normal eating’ that I have come across….

 

Image

 

After getting most of my homework done, I went out to the garden this morning and found the most amazing thing. I forgot its name, but look at the image above. This gorgeous plant is believed to have the ability to grant wishes when the wisher blows its fragile white ‘petals’ into the wind. I probably looked like an idiot, but I plucked it from the ground and made a wish. What I found surprising was the wish I wanted to make. There are just so many things I want, but deciding which one of them is the most important to me is almost impossible. It came down to three: Having good grades all the time, being a good person with a pure heart and mind, and having eternal and genuine happiness. So I decided to ask for all three! Haha! 

Anyways. My plans for today include making lunch (rice stir fry for my brother and something else for me), baking cookies that I promised to make for my friend and getting homework done later. (maybe after lunch or something). In a few days, I didn’t know that I will be seeing my doctor for a checkup! I have lost quite a lot of weight! SHIT! I am actually so worried….either I go to the extreme and put on some weight before my check up or face a whole lot of complications!! Okay, if I am to put on weight, I will have to force feed myself calorie dense foods…Gosh I really don’t want to though… 😦 

This is it. Today is my last day of wasting precious food. I have grown sick and tired of the guilt that eats me away from all the food I chew and purge or get rid of! It is wrong. It is wasteful. It is an expression of a lack of appreciation for the beautiful life God has given me. I am so grateful for the pleasures, luxuries, privileges, and fundamental life necessities that my parents have been able to provide for me. 

So yep, starting tomorrow. No more wasting! Also, I will try not to indulge too much in the materialistic desires that might cross my mind now and then. 

Also, I really want to be able to enjoy life. so that is exactly what I am going to do in my life. I will think thoughts that make me happy, do things that give me pleasure. 

Whatever those things may be, as long as it brings me fulfillment, happiness, and meaning in life, then go for it I say!

Some of these things include:

  • Helping others/ making others happy
  • Doing good things
  • Doing well in tests/ performances
  • Laughing and jokes
  • Eating nice food, and healthy delicious foodstuffs
  • Baking and cooking
  • After exercise
  • Looking beautiful and receiving compliments
  • Being connected with God
  • Good sleep

Gosh, I have a great heap of things to do tomorrow! Study maths, rewrite english, religion, do my resume, bake a batch of cookies for my friend……

Morning y’all.

I kid, I’m no American.

Image

But guess what? Apparently, these pancakes are. This morning I woke up and decided to whip up a breakfast treat for my family. After scouring through the internet for the BEST PANCAKE RECIPE, I decided to use Nigella Lawson’s recipe for American Breakfast Pancake. Nigella is a renowned chef, so I trusted that her recipe would produce extraordinary results.

ImageTo be frank, I was slightly disappointed. The flavour was okay, though it lacked something…..perhaps it needed some vanilla extract or cinnamon..perhaps a tad bit more sugar. Nevertheless, the flavour was acceptable, and the pancakes turned out A-OK!

ImageOfcourse, I didn’t eat them. I had a bit of a taste, but did not ingest it. (Well, obviously I had to taste it if not how would I have known it needed something extra???) People always say how weird it is for me to make and bake all sorts of goods yet to refuse actually eating them. Well most of the time I make stuff for others to please them, to make them happy, and perhaps to make me feel a sense of worth…

Anyways, I had a real good time making these delicate discs of goodness. You can definitely serve it up with all sorts of scrumptious toppings such as honey, fruit, yogurt, cinnamon…..Well those are the kind of healthy stuff I suggest, but if you choose to go anti-healthy, then go on. Swirl on some maple syrup, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, or whatever the heck your heart desires!!

AMERICAN BREAKFAST PANCAKES 

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 1 pinch of salt
  • 1 teaspoon white sugar
  • 2 large eggs (beaten)
  • 30 grams butter (melted and cooled)
  • 300 ml milk
  • 225 grams plain flour
  • butter for frying

Method

  1. The easiest way to make these is to put all the ingredients into a blender and blitz. But if you do mix up the batter by hand in a bowl, make a well in the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar, beat in the eggs, melted butter and milk, and transfer to a jug: it’s much easier to pour the batter into the pan than to spoon it.
  2. Heat a smooth griddle or pan on the stove.
  3. When you cook the pancakes, all you need to remember is that when the upper side of the pancake is blistering and bubbling it’s time to cook the second side, and this needs only about 1 minute, if that.