Archives for posts with tag: anorexia

You know how in the past I have on numerous occasions mentioned about “recovering’, ‘fighting my eating disorder’, and giving up on ‘sinful’ and immoral acts? Well, it is certainly easier said than done as I have broken those promises. My intentions and pure and good, but to implement them in real life is incredibly difficult. It brings me shame, disgust and sadness that I have not made much progress in my recovery and I am frustrated about it. I always want to fight and to do what is right and good, but I always falls back into the same dark, selfish place called anorexia.

I’ve purged

I’ve binged

I’ve wasted food mindlessly

Oh God, forgive me! I feel so bad and I wish to seek your forgiveness for the millionth time….GRRRREKHTBWFUIGL!!! Why can’t I just be normal?????

God also help me with my studies. I have a maths test tomorrow, so please help me to do well, to read the questions carefully and answer them correctly and carefully… Watch over me…And also hopefully I get good marks for my biology and SOCE document study assessments….Especially the biology one because I found it incredulous!

Watch over my family and keep us healthy, happy and safe…..

Why am I so afraid of eating carbohydrates? I mean, I am not extremely terrified of the prospect of eating it as I do aim to include decent amounts of carbohydrates in my diet (such as sweet potatoes, dairy, fruit, and wholegrain crackers), but just thinking about eating a whole sandwich, pasta, or rice gives me the chills. Carbohydrates is not fattening. It is nutritionally important, and the average food intake of an individual such as myself should mainly comprise of carbohydrates. 

So why am I afraid?

Well, I guess I know that they are calorie dense, and I also know from reading lots of nutrition articles that excess consumption of carbs leads to storage of fat in the body. 

But seriously, I wish I can get over it! Carbohydrates are essential, and without a doubt important for weight gain. I can not put on proper weight or achieve recovery without eating adequate quantities of carbohydrates….They are really good too I must admit….

Bread…pasta…… yummy 

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I mean there are lots of really nutritious carbohydrate sources, including wholegrain breads, oatmeal, wholegrain crackers, fruit, wholemeal pasta…..

Oh, stupid eating disorder!

I know I am skinny, and looking around I acknowledge that my physique is grotesquely thin. It brings me shame and a sense of embarrassment, yet my eating disorder is so strong that I choose to indulge in its devilish ways such as restricting my food intake instead of achieving my deep desire to look healthy and fit like everyone else around me….

There is an audition for dance tomorrow that I am actually rather keen to participate in. The issue is that I am worried about looking very skinny….I know it is stupid, but it is true…..

This probably won’t help things, but here is what I have eaten so far today:

Breakfast: Milk coffee and almonds

Snack: Pear and carrot sticks

Lunch: Carrot sticks with avocado, hummus, and cheese Capsicum pine nut dip thingo

Snack: Apple 

Dinner: Cauliflower curry with Salted greens, avocado, bit of sweet potato, and nuts and chicken pieces

 

Everyone has their ambitions, and mine is to lead a successful life.

Recently I have been exposed to successful people and I can’t help it but to have a desire to also be successful like them. So a question that came to my mind initially was “How can I be successful?”. Thanks to TED.com, I have found the 8 traits that successful people all have in common. They are the ‘8 TO BE GREAT’

  1. Be Passionate and Love what you do
  2. Work hard
  3. Focus on one thing, not on everything
  4. Keep pushing yourself and persevere
  5. Come up with good ideas
  6. Make Improvements on yourself and what you do
  7. Try New things
  8. Do not be afraid

I have adjusted the last two according to what I personally feel is important to achieve success. Anywho, even if I focus on these things, I will not be successful if I continue to live with my eating disorder. I HAVE TO RECOVER AND BE BETTER. 

Once I am free from my illness, the world is my oyster. I will be so free and ready to tackle anything and everything without any distractions or complications. I know it! 

So to all the beautiful and amazing people out there with eating disorders or other personal struggles, DON’T GIVE UP. KEEP FIGHTING AND FIND A REASON FOR RECOVERY. There is a life full of light at the end of the tunnel. You may have heard this a multitude of times, but it is well and true. Life is so awesome and there are so many other better things that to be stuck on the dark depths of anorexia or whatever.

Live life to the fullest. 

Today I talked with my neighbor, and she knows about my eating disorder. She has great knowledge on the illness because her daughter had suffered from it, and so she gave me some incredibly powerful advice that has left me more determined than ever to overcome the disorder. 

She told me how it is critical to recover and heal my mind and body, or else I am unable to pursue anything. I come first before anything else. I must do all I can to be well and then think about other things. Life is short, therefore I should choose to do things that are worth my time and not waste a second!

She is absolutely right. Life IS precious and short. I feel that I have wasted enough time dwelling on my eating disorder and engaging in its wicked games, and the prospect of being free from its grasp is so glorious…. I just want to be normal, happy, and healthy…

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So what can I do to achieve recovery? Well, here are my aims:

  • Not to have any fear foods ( therefore overcome them)
  • Reach healthy weight range and get my periods back
  • Abolish any eating disorder behaviors (purging, binging, timing, calorie counting)
  • Love and respect my body

I can do this…:)

 

 

Everyone says “Just eat” or “Eat more”. They say it like it is an easy thing, treat it as if it as simple as taking a stroll into a peaceful park. I suppose for a normal person, to eat more is quite normal or even a joy for them, however for someone with an eating disorder, to ‘eat more’ is like ‘ dive yourself into a world of pain’. It is incredibly difficult…. I wish I could explain to others about this, but it is hard. 

I want to put on weight; to get over my fear foods; and change my ways, but at the same time a part of me is fighting against it and pulling me back into that dark place…..

To say to someone with anorexia to ‘just eat’ is a really insensitive comment, and just remember, it is really difficult for them to do so. 

ImageNot too long ago, I had a late night snack that really challenged me. I took four pieces of wholegrain Vita-Weat crackers, smeared with generously with avocado, topped with slices of Double Brie cheese and dollops of natural raspberry jam. It was heavenly. Along the process of constructing it, I snacked on copious amounts of almond and slivers of green avocado. I really want to put on weight and so in order to do that I must consume more calories!! However it is a struggle because to be honest, I do not want to eat more nor do I want to change my eating, but I must. 

I actually feel really disgusting right now…As in literally. My stomach seems to be unable to digest this surprisingly new amount of fat and possibly carbohydrates…I feel a bit sick….Eugh…And there’s tomorrow. Sigh. Sometimes, I just want it all to end.

 

Life can prove to be incredibly challenging. Oftentimes, unexpected things happen and when they do, our lives change forever. For instance, I have never expected to catch an eating disorder. I was raised by a family who loved food and celebrated food, and everything about them was normal. Who would have expected that I, the biggest carnivore and milkshake devoted member in the family, to be a victim of anorexia? Right now, I wish for my life and for myself to be normal. I am sick of making the people around me suffer as a result of my eating disorder. I want to be free…

The issue is, freedom is so incredibly difficult. Recovery is such a climb. Today, I baked a batch of healthy cookies that I was planning to consume to increase my weight. To make it as calorie rich as possibly, I added in as many calorie dense but nutritious ingredients such as coconut milk, shredded coconut, peanut butter, and almonds. They tasted scrumptious, but a part of me irked at the sight of myself eating something to carbohydrate filled and calorie dense…..

Just imagine…Being free…..Living life without fear, anxiety, restrictions, or grief…To be healthy, fit and strong….To not have to return to hospital ever again…..It’s almost like a dream…

I have a list of foods that I admittedly am afraid of eating. 

My excuse (rather pathetic I must say..) for not eating them during meal times is either that “I don’t like it” or “It is unhealthy”. After giving some thought, the real reason has emerged from my senses: I am fearful that they might contribute to weight gain. The foods that I fear are rather calorie-dense….and well, they are not exactly nutritious either.

However, I don’t want to keep living with the fear of eating certain foods. I want to have a relaxed approach towards my meals and be able to eat whatever, whenever, with whoever. Right now, all I eat is healthy stuff and pretty much the same stuff day in, day out. I want to break free. I want to overcome my fear foods……If anyone could, please give me advice as to how I can overcome my fear foods!!!!

I am thinking of introducing a fear food at least once every week, starting from the most basic item such as bread or noodles!Image

Today I had a health check-up with my Doctor. Unfortunately, I have lost approximately three kilograms and some muscle, my body temperature was low and so was my heart rate. I was not happy of course. I don’t want things to escalate, but the issue is, I don’t really want to change my diet or anything. A part of me wants to keep the same body and to just keep doing what I’m doing, but I know that if I don’t evoke change then I will have to keep coming back to the hospital and never be free from the Eating Disorders program. Also, by returning back to the hospital I am also making my parents suffer. The time and effort they exert to drive me to the hospital is impacting them. It is also incredibly unfair. 

So I challenged myself. 

For dinner, I ate a slice of bread and about half an avocado, along with a good amount of chicken and vegetables. Every bite of the bread was agonizing, but I knew I had to do it in order to recover. Man this is so frustrating and difficult….I just want to crawl in a hole and wither away……