Archives for posts with tag: Happiness

Dear God,

Here I am, again. I apologise for being such a delinquent, and as a result having to constantly turn to you for forgiveness. However, this time it is serious. 

Recently, I have been committing a lot of sin and doing all sorts of things. It makes me feel sad and guilty. I do not want to be a bad person but rather a good person with a warm, pure heart and mind and living a life full of integrity, justice, and goodwill. Who doesn’t? So what do I seek forgiveness for? I apologise for wasting so much food and money, indulging in my eating disorder, ignoring my parents, being coldhearted and disrespectful to others, purging, lying, cheating, manipulating, abusing myself, not appreciating the life I’ve got, and not being faithful enough to you. All these things have made me have a negative outlook to life, which I do not want at all! I want to feel good about myself and about the life that I am living. 

And so, I will do all I can to change my old ways and renew myself. If I don’t change,then obviously nothing will. 

Please help me be a better person and to do good only. Help me change….Give me strength….Purify my heart and mind….

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I promise to no longer lie or cheat; to remain honest, kind, loving, and have good intentions in life. To do what is right is more important than to do what seems easy. As for my eating disorder…..To be honest I am not putting much effort into recovery. I do not truly want to recover because I enjoy giving into its ways and restricting and abusing myself. Why? Because I feel that by doing so I am able to take on all of life’s struggles and deal with the pain…And restricting and such is the only control I have in life as life itself is undefinable and uncontrollable. I am a control freak. However, I feel that it is a really stupid and unhealthy thing to do and I really do want to break out of it, but I find myself recoiling to the same spot whenever I try to do so….

Nevertheless I HAVE TO RECOVER> God give me the strength and courage to do what is right and just…Watch over me and guide me to the right path.

Thanks

Yours sincerely,

G.

Today I talked with my neighbor, and she knows about my eating disorder. She has great knowledge on the illness because her daughter had suffered from it, and so she gave me some incredibly powerful advice that has left me more determined than ever to overcome the disorder. 

She told me how it is critical to recover and heal my mind and body, or else I am unable to pursue anything. I come first before anything else. I must do all I can to be well and then think about other things. Life is short, therefore I should choose to do things that are worth my time and not waste a second!

She is absolutely right. Life IS precious and short. I feel that I have wasted enough time dwelling on my eating disorder and engaging in its wicked games, and the prospect of being free from its grasp is so glorious…. I just want to be normal, happy, and healthy…

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So what can I do to achieve recovery? Well, here are my aims:

  • Not to have any fear foods ( therefore overcome them)
  • Reach healthy weight range and get my periods back
  • Abolish any eating disorder behaviors (purging, binging, timing, calorie counting)
  • Love and respect my body

I can do this…:)

 

 

This is it. Today is my last day of wasting precious food. I have grown sick and tired of the guilt that eats me away from all the food I chew and purge or get rid of! It is wrong. It is wasteful. It is an expression of a lack of appreciation for the beautiful life God has given me. I am so grateful for the pleasures, luxuries, privileges, and fundamental life necessities that my parents have been able to provide for me. 

So yep, starting tomorrow. No more wasting! Also, I will try not to indulge too much in the materialistic desires that might cross my mind now and then. 

Also, I really want to be able to enjoy life. so that is exactly what I am going to do in my life. I will think thoughts that make me happy, do things that give me pleasure. 

Whatever those things may be, as long as it brings me fulfillment, happiness, and meaning in life, then go for it I say!

Some of these things include:

  • Helping others/ making others happy
  • Doing good things
  • Doing well in tests/ performances
  • Laughing and jokes
  • Eating nice food, and healthy delicious foodstuffs
  • Baking and cooking
  • After exercise
  • Looking beautiful and receiving compliments
  • Being connected with God
  • Good sleep

Gosh, I have a great heap of things to do tomorrow! Study maths, rewrite english, religion, do my resume, bake a batch of cookies for my friend……

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,[a]
And blameless when You judge.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16 For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

 

I no longer want to sin against God. I want to be a good person, to have a pure heart, to do  all things that are good and make me feel good about myself. Right now, all I want is TO BE HAPPY. Geniunely happy, as life is short and too wonderful to be wasted of little petty things. I have to learn to also let go of things in life as they hold me back from fulfilling true happiness.