Archives for posts with tag: Hardship

Why am I so afraid of eating carbohydrates? I mean, I am not extremely terrified of the prospect of eating it as I do aim to include decent amounts of carbohydrates in my diet (such as sweet potatoes, dairy, fruit, and wholegrain crackers), but just thinking about eating a whole sandwich, pasta, or rice gives me the chills. Carbohydrates is not fattening. It is nutritionally important, and the average food intake of an individual such as myself should mainly comprise of carbohydrates. 

So why am I afraid?

Well, I guess I know that they are calorie dense, and I also know from reading lots of nutrition articles that excess consumption of carbs leads to storage of fat in the body. 

But seriously, I wish I can get over it! Carbohydrates are essential, and without a doubt important for weight gain. I can not put on proper weight or achieve recovery without eating adequate quantities of carbohydrates….They are really good too I must admit….

Bread…pasta…… yummy 

Image

I mean there are lots of really nutritious carbohydrate sources, including wholegrain breads, oatmeal, wholegrain crackers, fruit, wholemeal pasta…..

Oh, stupid eating disorder!

Sorry I have not posted in a while. It is just that so many things have been happening lately and so it has proven to be a real difficulty to make time to write…..There have been an accumulation of assessments and projects due at school, and then there’s my eating disorder. Recently I have been caught many times red-handed in my eating disorder behaviour, such as my mother finding out that I purged the night before, and that I’ve been disposing food behind her back. Also my stupid teacher who knows about my eating issue went and sent an email to my mother today about the time that I escaped from her class to the library because the class was eating crap that I did not want to get involved in….Apparently my mother confided all of this information to him and so he talked to me after school today about it all. Initially I was so angry at my teacher about getting involved in my business like that, but then I realized that feelings of shame and embarrassment took over. For my brother to learn all that about me is so incredibly humiliating and painful. I feel like I can no longer face my family. I am so, so embarrassed. I am so hurt, and so ashamed to be in this family! 

Never have i wanted to disappear on the face of this earth. I want to just die. I am no good to this family at all. All I have and am bringing to my parents and brothers is issues, and I am just a piece of rubbish that wastes their money, time and effort. Honestly I am no good to them at all!!!! They have grown sick of me, I know it. Even they show very little sympathy for me. 

Today I had a health check-up with my Doctor. Unfortunately, I have lost approximately three kilograms and some muscle, my body temperature was low and so was my heart rate. I was not happy of course. I don’t want things to escalate, but the issue is, I don’t really want to change my diet or anything. A part of me wants to keep the same body and to just keep doing what I’m doing, but I know that if I don’t evoke change then I will have to keep coming back to the hospital and never be free from the Eating Disorders program. Also, by returning back to the hospital I am also making my parents suffer. The time and effort they exert to drive me to the hospital is impacting them. It is also incredibly unfair. 

So I challenged myself. 

For dinner, I ate a slice of bread and about half an avocado, along with a good amount of chicken and vegetables. Every bite of the bread was agonizing, but I knew I had to do it in order to recover. Man this is so frustrating and difficult….I just want to crawl in a hole and wither away……