Archives for posts with tag: Life

You know how in the past I have on numerous occasions mentioned about “recovering’, ‘fighting my eating disorder’, and giving up on ‘sinful’ and immoral acts? Well, it is certainly easier said than done as I have broken those promises. My intentions and pure and good, but to implement them in real life is incredibly difficult. It brings me shame, disgust and sadness that I have not made much progress in my recovery and I am frustrated about it. I always want to fight and to do what is right and good, but I always falls back into the same dark, selfish place called anorexia.

I’ve purged

I’ve binged

I’ve wasted food mindlessly

Oh God, forgive me! I feel so bad and I wish to seek your forgiveness for the millionth time….GRRRREKHTBWFUIGL!!! Why can’t I just be normal?????

God also help me with my studies. I have a maths test tomorrow, so please help me to do well, to read the questions carefully and answer them correctly and carefully… Watch over me…And also hopefully I get good marks for my biology and SOCE document study assessments….Especially the biology one because I found it incredulous!

Watch over my family and keep us healthy, happy and safe…..

Why am I so afraid of eating carbohydrates? I mean, I am not extremely terrified of the prospect of eating it as I do aim to include decent amounts of carbohydrates in my diet (such as sweet potatoes, dairy, fruit, and wholegrain crackers), but just thinking about eating a whole sandwich, pasta, or rice gives me the chills. Carbohydrates is not fattening. It is nutritionally important, and the average food intake of an individual such as myself should mainly comprise of carbohydrates. 

So why am I afraid?

Well, I guess I know that they are calorie dense, and I also know from reading lots of nutrition articles that excess consumption of carbs leads to storage of fat in the body. 

But seriously, I wish I can get over it! Carbohydrates are essential, and without a doubt important for weight gain. I can not put on proper weight or achieve recovery without eating adequate quantities of carbohydrates….They are really good too I must admit….

Bread…pasta…… yummy 

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I mean there are lots of really nutritious carbohydrate sources, including wholegrain breads, oatmeal, wholegrain crackers, fruit, wholemeal pasta…..

Oh, stupid eating disorder!

I know I am skinny, and looking around I acknowledge that my physique is grotesquely thin. It brings me shame and a sense of embarrassment, yet my eating disorder is so strong that I choose to indulge in its devilish ways such as restricting my food intake instead of achieving my deep desire to look healthy and fit like everyone else around me….

There is an audition for dance tomorrow that I am actually rather keen to participate in. The issue is that I am worried about looking very skinny….I know it is stupid, but it is true…..

This probably won’t help things, but here is what I have eaten so far today:

Breakfast: Milk coffee and almonds

Snack: Pear and carrot sticks

Lunch: Carrot sticks with avocado, hummus, and cheese Capsicum pine nut dip thingo

Snack: Apple 

Dinner: Cauliflower curry with Salted greens, avocado, bit of sweet potato, and nuts and chicken pieces

 

Dear God,

Here I am, again. I apologise for being such a delinquent, and as a result having to constantly turn to you for forgiveness. However, this time it is serious. 

Recently, I have been committing a lot of sin and doing all sorts of things. It makes me feel sad and guilty. I do not want to be a bad person but rather a good person with a warm, pure heart and mind and living a life full of integrity, justice, and goodwill. Who doesn’t? So what do I seek forgiveness for? I apologise for wasting so much food and money, indulging in my eating disorder, ignoring my parents, being coldhearted and disrespectful to others, purging, lying, cheating, manipulating, abusing myself, not appreciating the life I’ve got, and not being faithful enough to you. All these things have made me have a negative outlook to life, which I do not want at all! I want to feel good about myself and about the life that I am living. 

And so, I will do all I can to change my old ways and renew myself. If I don’t change,then obviously nothing will. 

Please help me be a better person and to do good only. Help me change….Give me strength….Purify my heart and mind….

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I promise to no longer lie or cheat; to remain honest, kind, loving, and have good intentions in life. To do what is right is more important than to do what seems easy. As for my eating disorder…..To be honest I am not putting much effort into recovery. I do not truly want to recover because I enjoy giving into its ways and restricting and abusing myself. Why? Because I feel that by doing so I am able to take on all of life’s struggles and deal with the pain…And restricting and such is the only control I have in life as life itself is undefinable and uncontrollable. I am a control freak. However, I feel that it is a really stupid and unhealthy thing to do and I really do want to break out of it, but I find myself recoiling to the same spot whenever I try to do so….

Nevertheless I HAVE TO RECOVER> God give me the strength and courage to do what is right and just…Watch over me and guide me to the right path.

Thanks

Yours sincerely,

G.

Everyone has their ambitions, and mine is to lead a successful life.

Recently I have been exposed to successful people and I can’t help it but to have a desire to also be successful like them. So a question that came to my mind initially was “How can I be successful?”. Thanks to TED.com, I have found the 8 traits that successful people all have in common. They are the ‘8 TO BE GREAT’

  1. Be Passionate and Love what you do
  2. Work hard
  3. Focus on one thing, not on everything
  4. Keep pushing yourself and persevere
  5. Come up with good ideas
  6. Make Improvements on yourself and what you do
  7. Try New things
  8. Do not be afraid

I have adjusted the last two according to what I personally feel is important to achieve success. Anywho, even if I focus on these things, I will not be successful if I continue to live with my eating disorder. I HAVE TO RECOVER AND BE BETTER. 

Once I am free from my illness, the world is my oyster. I will be so free and ready to tackle anything and everything without any distractions or complications. I know it! 

So to all the beautiful and amazing people out there with eating disorders or other personal struggles, DON’T GIVE UP. KEEP FIGHTING AND FIND A REASON FOR RECOVERY. There is a life full of light at the end of the tunnel. You may have heard this a multitude of times, but it is well and true. Life is so awesome and there are so many other better things that to be stuck on the dark depths of anorexia or whatever.

Live life to the fullest. 

At the moment, I am looking for a new area of interest or hobby that will allow me to drift away from my obsession towards food and to enrich my life. It is proving to be quite difficult however. I have explored some things, but they don’t seem to interest me. 

Thanks to good ol’ Wikipedia, I’ve collected a list of hobbies and interests that i myself will have a go at, and also perhaps for you to have a go too! We can do this together (:

HOBBIES/ INTERESTS LIST:

  • Reading
  • Creative Writing
  • Blogging
  • Food critiquing 
  • Shopping
  • Travelling 
  • Photography
  • Beauty / Make up
  • Interior Design 

What are your passions/ Hobbies / Interests?

Today I talked with my neighbor, and she knows about my eating disorder. She has great knowledge on the illness because her daughter had suffered from it, and so she gave me some incredibly powerful advice that has left me more determined than ever to overcome the disorder. 

She told me how it is critical to recover and heal my mind and body, or else I am unable to pursue anything. I come first before anything else. I must do all I can to be well and then think about other things. Life is short, therefore I should choose to do things that are worth my time and not waste a second!

She is absolutely right. Life IS precious and short. I feel that I have wasted enough time dwelling on my eating disorder and engaging in its wicked games, and the prospect of being free from its grasp is so glorious…. I just want to be normal, happy, and healthy…

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So what can I do to achieve recovery? Well, here are my aims:

  • Not to have any fear foods ( therefore overcome them)
  • Reach healthy weight range and get my periods back
  • Abolish any eating disorder behaviors (purging, binging, timing, calorie counting)
  • Love and respect my body

I can do this…:)

 

 

Everyone says “Just eat” or “Eat more”. They say it like it is an easy thing, treat it as if it as simple as taking a stroll into a peaceful park. I suppose for a normal person, to eat more is quite normal or even a joy for them, however for someone with an eating disorder, to ‘eat more’ is like ‘ dive yourself into a world of pain’. It is incredibly difficult…. I wish I could explain to others about this, but it is hard. 

I want to put on weight; to get over my fear foods; and change my ways, but at the same time a part of me is fighting against it and pulling me back into that dark place…..

To say to someone with anorexia to ‘just eat’ is a really insensitive comment, and just remember, it is really difficult for them to do so. 

Sorry I have not posted in a while. It is just that so many things have been happening lately and so it has proven to be a real difficulty to make time to write…..There have been an accumulation of assessments and projects due at school, and then there’s my eating disorder. Recently I have been caught many times red-handed in my eating disorder behaviour, such as my mother finding out that I purged the night before, and that I’ve been disposing food behind her back. Also my stupid teacher who knows about my eating issue went and sent an email to my mother today about the time that I escaped from her class to the library because the class was eating crap that I did not want to get involved in….Apparently my mother confided all of this information to him and so he talked to me after school today about it all. Initially I was so angry at my teacher about getting involved in my business like that, but then I realized that feelings of shame and embarrassment took over. For my brother to learn all that about me is so incredibly humiliating and painful. I feel like I can no longer face my family. I am so, so embarrassed. I am so hurt, and so ashamed to be in this family! 

Never have i wanted to disappear on the face of this earth. I want to just die. I am no good to this family at all. All I have and am bringing to my parents and brothers is issues, and I am just a piece of rubbish that wastes their money, time and effort. Honestly I am no good to them at all!!!! They have grown sick of me, I know it. Even they show very little sympathy for me. 

ImageNot too long ago, I had a late night snack that really challenged me. I took four pieces of wholegrain Vita-Weat crackers, smeared with generously with avocado, topped with slices of Double Brie cheese and dollops of natural raspberry jam. It was heavenly. Along the process of constructing it, I snacked on copious amounts of almond and slivers of green avocado. I really want to put on weight and so in order to do that I must consume more calories!! However it is a struggle because to be honest, I do not want to eat more nor do I want to change my eating, but I must. 

I actually feel really disgusting right now…As in literally. My stomach seems to be unable to digest this surprisingly new amount of fat and possibly carbohydrates…I feel a bit sick….Eugh…And there’s tomorrow. Sigh. Sometimes, I just want it all to end.