Archives for posts with tag: Pain

I know I am skinny, and looking around I acknowledge that my physique is grotesquely thin. It brings me shame and a sense of embarrassment, yet my eating disorder is so strong that I choose to indulge in its devilish ways such as restricting my food intake instead of achieving my deep desire to look healthy and fit like everyone else around me….

There is an audition for dance tomorrow that I am actually rather keen to participate in. The issue is that I am worried about looking very skinny….I know it is stupid, but it is true…..

This probably won’t help things, but here is what I have eaten so far today:

Breakfast: Milk coffee and almonds

Snack: Pear and carrot sticks

Lunch: Carrot sticks with avocado, hummus, and cheese Capsicum pine nut dip thingo

Snack: Apple 

Dinner: Cauliflower curry with Salted greens, avocado, bit of sweet potato, and nuts and chicken pieces

 

Sorry I have not posted in a while. It is just that so many things have been happening lately and so it has proven to be a real difficulty to make time to write…..There have been an accumulation of assessments and projects due at school, and then there’s my eating disorder. Recently I have been caught many times red-handed in my eating disorder behaviour, such as my mother finding out that I purged the night before, and that I’ve been disposing food behind her back. Also my stupid teacher who knows about my eating issue went and sent an email to my mother today about the time that I escaped from her class to the library because the class was eating crap that I did not want to get involved in….Apparently my mother confided all of this information to him and so he talked to me after school today about it all. Initially I was so angry at my teacher about getting involved in my business like that, but then I realized that feelings of shame and embarrassment took over. For my brother to learn all that about me is so incredibly humiliating and painful. I feel like I can no longer face my family. I am so, so embarrassed. I am so hurt, and so ashamed to be in this family! 

Never have i wanted to disappear on the face of this earth. I want to just die. I am no good to this family at all. All I have and am bringing to my parents and brothers is issues, and I am just a piece of rubbish that wastes their money, time and effort. Honestly I am no good to them at all!!!! They have grown sick of me, I know it. Even they show very little sympathy for me. 

Life can prove to be incredibly challenging. Oftentimes, unexpected things happen and when they do, our lives change forever. For instance, I have never expected to catch an eating disorder. I was raised by a family who loved food and celebrated food, and everything about them was normal. Who would have expected that I, the biggest carnivore and milkshake devoted member in the family, to be a victim of anorexia? Right now, I wish for my life and for myself to be normal. I am sick of making the people around me suffer as a result of my eating disorder. I want to be free…

The issue is, freedom is so incredibly difficult. Recovery is such a climb. Today, I baked a batch of healthy cookies that I was planning to consume to increase my weight. To make it as calorie rich as possibly, I added in as many calorie dense but nutritious ingredients such as coconut milk, shredded coconut, peanut butter, and almonds. They tasted scrumptious, but a part of me irked at the sight of myself eating something to carbohydrate filled and calorie dense…..

Just imagine…Being free…..Living life without fear, anxiety, restrictions, or grief…To be healthy, fit and strong….To not have to return to hospital ever again…..It’s almost like a dream…