Archives for posts with tag: Struggle

You know how in the past I have on numerous occasions mentioned about “recovering’, ‘fighting my eating disorder’, and giving up on ‘sinful’ and immoral acts? Well, it is certainly easier said than done as I have broken those promises. My intentions and pure and good, but to implement them in real life is incredibly difficult. It brings me shame, disgust and sadness that I have not made much progress in my recovery and I am frustrated about it. I always want to fight and to do what is right and good, but I always falls back into the same dark, selfish place called anorexia.

I’ve purged

I’ve binged

I’ve wasted food mindlessly

Oh God, forgive me! I feel so bad and I wish to seek your forgiveness for the millionth time….GRRRREKHTBWFUIGL!!! Why can’t I just be normal?????

God also help me with my studies. I have a maths test tomorrow, so please help me to do well, to read the questions carefully and answer them correctly and carefully… Watch over me…And also hopefully I get good marks for my biology and SOCE document study assessments….Especially the biology one because I found it incredulous!

Watch over my family and keep us healthy, happy and safe…..

Why am I so afraid of eating carbohydrates? I mean, I am not extremely terrified of the prospect of eating it as I do aim to include decent amounts of carbohydrates in my diet (such as sweet potatoes, dairy, fruit, and wholegrain crackers), but just thinking about eating a whole sandwich, pasta, or rice gives me the chills. Carbohydrates is not fattening. It is nutritionally important, and the average food intake of an individual such as myself should mainly comprise of carbohydrates. 

So why am I afraid?

Well, I guess I know that they are calorie dense, and I also know from reading lots of nutrition articles that excess consumption of carbs leads to storage of fat in the body. 

But seriously, I wish I can get over it! Carbohydrates are essential, and without a doubt important for weight gain. I can not put on proper weight or achieve recovery without eating adequate quantities of carbohydrates….They are really good too I must admit….

Bread…pasta…… yummy 

Image

I mean there are lots of really nutritious carbohydrate sources, including wholegrain breads, oatmeal, wholegrain crackers, fruit, wholemeal pasta…..

Oh, stupid eating disorder!

I know I am skinny, and looking around I acknowledge that my physique is grotesquely thin. It brings me shame and a sense of embarrassment, yet my eating disorder is so strong that I choose to indulge in its devilish ways such as restricting my food intake instead of achieving my deep desire to look healthy and fit like everyone else around me….

There is an audition for dance tomorrow that I am actually rather keen to participate in. The issue is that I am worried about looking very skinny….I know it is stupid, but it is true…..

This probably won’t help things, but here is what I have eaten so far today:

Breakfast: Milk coffee and almonds

Snack: Pear and carrot sticks

Lunch: Carrot sticks with avocado, hummus, and cheese Capsicum pine nut dip thingo

Snack: Apple 

Dinner: Cauliflower curry with Salted greens, avocado, bit of sweet potato, and nuts and chicken pieces

 

Everyone says “Just eat” or “Eat more”. They say it like it is an easy thing, treat it as if it as simple as taking a stroll into a peaceful park. I suppose for a normal person, to eat more is quite normal or even a joy for them, however for someone with an eating disorder, to ‘eat more’ is like ‘ dive yourself into a world of pain’. It is incredibly difficult…. I wish I could explain to others about this, but it is hard. 

I want to put on weight; to get over my fear foods; and change my ways, but at the same time a part of me is fighting against it and pulling me back into that dark place…..

To say to someone with anorexia to ‘just eat’ is a really insensitive comment, and just remember, it is really difficult for them to do so. 

Today I had a health check-up with my Doctor. Unfortunately, I have lost approximately three kilograms and some muscle, my body temperature was low and so was my heart rate. I was not happy of course. I don’t want things to escalate, but the issue is, I don’t really want to change my diet or anything. A part of me wants to keep the same body and to just keep doing what I’m doing, but I know that if I don’t evoke change then I will have to keep coming back to the hospital and never be free from the Eating Disorders program. Also, by returning back to the hospital I am also making my parents suffer. The time and effort they exert to drive me to the hospital is impacting them. It is also incredibly unfair. 

So I challenged myself. 

For dinner, I ate a slice of bread and about half an avocado, along with a good amount of chicken and vegetables. Every bite of the bread was agonizing, but I knew I had to do it in order to recover. Man this is so frustrating and difficult….I just want to crawl in a hole and wither away……