It is actually so difficult

You know how in the past I have on numerous occasions mentioned about “recovering’, ‘fighting my eating disorder’, and giving up on ‘sinful’ and immoral acts? Well, it is certainly easier said than done as I have broken those promises. My intentions and pure and good, but to implement them in real life is incredibly difficult. It brings me shame, disgust and sadness that I have not made much progress in my recovery and I am frustrated about it. I always want to fight and to do what is right and good, but I always falls back into the same dark, selfish place called anorexia.

I’ve purged

I’ve binged

I’ve wasted food mindlessly

Oh God, forgive me! I feel so bad and I wish to seek your forgiveness for the millionth time….GRRRREKHTBWFUIGL!!! Why can’t I just be normal?????

God also help me with my studies. I have a maths test tomorrow, so please help me to do well, to read the questions carefully and answer them correctly and carefully… Watch over me…And also hopefully I get good marks for my biology and SOCE document study assessments….Especially the biology one because I found it incredulous!

Watch over my family and keep us healthy, happy and safe…..

Carbs: The Feared One

Why am I so afraid of eating carbohydrates? I mean, I am not extremely terrified of the prospect of eating it as I do aim to include decent amounts of carbohydrates in my diet (such as sweet potatoes, dairy, fruit, and wholegrain crackers), but just thinking about eating a whole sandwich, pasta, or rice gives me the chills. Carbohydrates is not fattening. It is nutritionally important, and the average food intake of an individual such as myself should mainly comprise of carbohydrates. 

So why am I afraid?

Well, I guess I know that they are calorie dense, and I also know from reading lots of nutrition articles that excess consumption of carbs leads to storage of fat in the body. 

But seriously, I wish I can get over it! Carbohydrates are essential, and without a doubt important for weight gain. I can not put on proper weight or achieve recovery without eating adequate quantities of carbohydrates….They are really good too I must admit….

Bread…pasta…… yummy 

I mean there are lots of really nutritious carbohydrate sources, including wholegrain breads, oatmeal, wholegrain crackers, fruit, wholemeal pasta…..

Oh, stupid eating disorder!

Shame

I know I am skinny, and looking around I acknowledge that my physique is grotesquely thin. It brings me shame and a sense of embarrassment, yet my eating disorder is so strong that I choose to indulge in its devilish ways such as restricting my food intake instead of achieving my deep desire to look healthy and fit like everyone else around me….

There is an audition for dance tomorrow that I am actually rather keen to participate in. The issue is that I am worried about looking very skinny….I know it is stupid, but it is true…..

This probably won’t help things, but here is what I have eaten so far today:

Breakfast: Milk coffee and almonds

Snack: Pear and carrot sticks

Lunch: Carrot sticks with avocado, hummus, and cheese Capsicum pine nut dip thingo

Snack: Apple 

Dinner: Cauliflower curry with Salted greens, avocado, bit of sweet potato, and nuts and chicken pieces

 

Coconut Cake

I love coconut milk, and I adore the aroma of coconuts. Even so, it is a rare occasion that I actually make something with it. 

What’s even rarer is for me to bake a biggish, celebratory-like cake such as this one. It is because it is not essential to bake such cakes when it is not a special occasion. Then again people say everyday should be a celebration because we are alive and well! Hooray! (Erm, no..). Speaking of coconuts, I have big bags of shredded coconuts that needs to be used up. You see, I once had this business of selling baked coconut shortbread hearts, but then one day they turned out quite bad and as a result, my business ended there and then. What a shame. *tear*

 

COCONUT CAKE

Cake Ingredients:
16 tablespoon unsalted butter, softened
2 1/2 cups cake flour, sifted
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon kosher salt
3/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup coconut milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups sugar
5 eggs

Frosting Ingredients:
4 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
2 1/4 cups sugar
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1 teaspoon kosher salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup water
3/4 cup fresh coconut water
3 cups freshly grated coconut

Directions:
Note: This frosting isn’t supposed to keep too well, so it’s best to frost the cake the day it’s being served. However, to spread out the work, you can make the layers in advance. Really, I should also admit that we ate this cake for days after I made it and it stayed delicious, so while I’m sure it’s best to eat it the day you frost it, I wouldn’t toss the leftovers (if there are any, that is.)

Make the cake: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease two 9″ cake pans (I use Wilton’s Cake Release), line with parchment paper rounds, and grease the parchment paper as well. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, and salt. In a separate small bowl (or measuring cup), whisk together buttermilk, coconut milk, and vanilla. Finally, in a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until pale, light yellow, and fluffy, about 2-3 minutes. Add in the eggs one at a time, mixing well after each egg. Alternate adding the dry ingredients and buttermilk mixture with the mixer on low speed before increasing the speed to high and beating for a few seconds to smooth out the batter.

Pour the batter evenly into the two prepared cake pans, bang on the counter to remove air bubbles, and smooth the tops with a spatula. Bake until a toothpick comes out with just a few moist crumbs, about 30-35 minutes. Let the cakes cool in the pans for about 20 minutes before turning them out onto a rack to cool completely. Wrap the cake layers and freeze until firm to make them easier to manage (at least 30 minutes). Once firm, use a large serrated knife to carefully cut each cake layer in half horizontally to create four layers. Rewrap and refreeze these layers until you’re ready to assemble the cake.

Make the frosting: In the bowl of a stand mixer, use the whisk attachment to beat the egg whites and cream of tartar together until soft peaks form. Let this sit while you boil the sugar, syrup, salt, and water together in a saucepan over high heat. Stir to dissolve the sugar and cook until a candy thermometer reads 250 degrees F, about 4-5 minutes. With the mixer on medium speed, drizzle in the hot syrup and add vanilla extract. Turn the mixer to high speed and beat until the frosting has stiff peaks and is only slightly warm, about 3 minutes.

Assemble the cake: Place one cake layer onto a platter or cake decorating turntable. Drizzle 3 tablespoons of coconut water over the cake layer and spread it around. Spoon about 1 1/4 cups of the frosting onto this layer and spread it thick, letting it spill a bit over the edges all around. Top with 1/2 cup of grated coconut. Continue layering cake layer, coconut water drizzle, frosting, and coconut. On top of the cake, drizzle the last 3 tablespoons of coconut water before covering the whole top and sides of cake with the remaining frosting. Spread it thick and billowy and use a cupped hand to lightly press grated coconut all over the surface of the cake — it’ll hide any frosting imperfections! Store cake in the fridge. Serve either chilled or after letting it sit out for about 20-30 minutes to take the chill off.

Dear God,

Here I am, again. I apologise for being such a delinquent, and as a result having to constantly turn to you for forgiveness. However, this time it is serious. 

Recently, I have been committing a lot of sin and doing all sorts of things. It makes me feel sad and guilty. I do not want to be a bad person but rather a good person with a warm, pure heart and mind and living a life full of integrity, justice, and goodwill. Who doesn’t? So what do I seek forgiveness for? I apologise for wasting so much food and money, indulging in my eating disorder, ignoring my parents, being coldhearted and disrespectful to others, purging, lying, cheating, manipulating, abusing myself, not appreciating the life I’ve got, and not being faithful enough to you. All these things have made me have a negative outlook to life, which I do not want at all! I want to feel good about myself and about the life that I am living. 

And so, I will do all I can to change my old ways and renew myself. If I don’t change,then obviously nothing will. 

Please help me be a better person and to do good only. Help me change….Give me strength….Purify my heart and mind….

I promise to no longer lie or cheat; to remain honest, kind, loving, and have good intentions in life. To do what is right is more important than to do what seems easy. As for my eating disorder…..To be honest I am not putting much effort into recovery. I do not truly want to recover because I enjoy giving into its ways and restricting and abusing myself. Why? Because I feel that by doing so I am able to take on all of life’s struggles and deal with the pain…And restricting and such is the only control I have in life as life itself is undefinable and uncontrollable. I am a control freak. However, I feel that it is a really stupid and unhealthy thing to do and I really do want to break out of it, but I find myself recoiling to the same spot whenever I try to do so….

Nevertheless I HAVE TO RECOVER> God give me the strength and courage to do what is right and just…Watch over me and guide me to the right path.

Thanks

Yours sincerely,

G.

3 INGREDIENT BROWNIES

Tempted by sin to indulge in a chocolate fix, I woke up at the dead of night and feeling somewhat restless, I grabbed a small jar of Hazelnut chocolate spread, some flour, a bit of sugar and vanilla, two cute eggs, and a bowl and whisk. There and then I decided to whip up a batch of super easy, no fuss, 3 ingredient brownies. 

Yes, I said it. 3 Ingredient brownies. 

It makes me so happy making and nibbling these because they took so little effort and yet produced a whammy of a result. They were deeply fudgey, not overly chocolatey with a hazelnut twist, and so, so good. 

3 INGREDIENT BROWNIES

• 1 1/2 cups of Nutella (or any other chocolate hazelnut spread)
• 1 cup flour
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp Vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup icing sugar

1. Mix nutella, vanilla and eggs (one at a time) with electric beater or whisk vigorously by hand with a whisk.

2. Whisk in vanilla and sugar, then flour.

3. Pour into a lined baking pan and bake at 200 degrees c for 20 minutes, or longer if needed until the interior is cooked.

 

So, so divine. Underbaking it slightly makes it extra indulgent, with a more fudgey interior. 

Everyone has their ambitions, and mine is to lead a successful life.

Recently I have been exposed to successful people and I can’t help it but to have a desire to also be successful like them. So a question that came to my mind initially was “How can I be successful?”. Thanks to TED.com, I have found the 8 traits that successful people all have in common. They are the ‘8 TO BE GREAT’

1. Be Passionate and Love what you do
2. Work hard
3. Focus on one thing, not on everything
4. Keep pushing yourself and persevere
5. Come up with good ideas
6. Make Improvements on yourself and what you do
7. Try New things
8. Do not be afraid

I have adjusted the last two according to what I personally feel is important to achieve success. Anywho, even if I focus on these things, I will not be successful if I continue to live with my eating disorder. I HAVE TO RECOVER AND BE BETTER. 

Once I am free from my illness, the world is my oyster. I will be so free and ready to tackle anything and everything without any distractions or complications. I know it! 

So to all the beautiful and amazing people out there with eating disorders or other personal struggles, DON’T GIVE UP. KEEP FIGHTING AND FIND A REASON FOR RECOVERY. There is a life full of light at the end of the tunnel. You may have heard this a multitude of times, but it is well and true. Life is so awesome and there are so many other better things that to be stuck on the dark depths of anorexia or whatever.

Live life to the fullest. 

Expanding my horizons

At the moment, I am looking for a new area of interest or hobby that will allow me to drift away from my obsession towards food and to enrich my life. It is proving to be quite difficult however. I have explored some things, but they don’t seem to interest me. 

Thanks to good ol’ Wikipedia, I’ve collected a list of hobbies and interests that i myself will have a go at, and also perhaps for you to have a go too! We can do this together (:

HOBBIES/ INTERESTS LIST:

• Reading
• Creative Writing
• Blogging
• Food critiquing 
• Shopping
• Travelling 
• Photography
• Beauty / Make up
• Interior Design 

What are your passions/ Hobbies / Interests?

Conquer the Battle

Today I talked with my neighbor, and she knows about my eating disorder. She has great knowledge on the illness because her daughter had suffered from it, and so she gave me some incredibly powerful advice that has left me more determined than ever to overcome the disorder. 

She told me how it is critical to recover and heal my mind and body, or else I am unable to pursue anything. I come first before anything else. I must do all I can to be well and then think about other things. Life is short, therefore I should choose to do things that are worth my time and not waste a second!

She is absolutely right. Life IS precious and short. I feel that I have wasted enough time dwelling on my eating disorder and engaging in its wicked games, and the prospect of being free from its grasp is so glorious…. I just want to be normal, happy, and healthy…

So what can I do to achieve recovery? Well, here are my aims:

• Not to have any fear foods ( therefore overcome them)
• Reach healthy weight range and get my periods back
• Abolish any eating disorder behaviors (purging, binging, timing, calorie counting)
• Love and respect my body

I can do this…:)